I just read another blog in which the author admits, that although he blogs regularly on the internet, he hates the internet because of the stupid remarks some people are capable of making. I had a comment on here earlier today which is now gone. I have blocked this particular person from my Twitter account and hopefully from this page as well. I am now reviewing comments before they go up on the site. Not that I mind a good discussion or two, but this gentleman happen to be implying that I have no concept of morality and I don't know what I am doing and I am doing everything incorrectly.
Interestingly, as some of you may have noted from yesterday's blog, I am in a discussion with self about the rightness and wrongness of recovery. Is there a right way to do this?No it differs for everyone. I have always been a big believer in meetings. I volunteer at a local chemical dependency center for women and tell them to go to meetings. This is an important part of recovery in my opinion. But, will I blast you on the internet or in person for that matter if you choose not to? No, it's your recovery. Not mine. I know what I need to do to stay sober. My realization of what I needed took almost a year to find. It's a trial and error process.If people ask how I got sober, I am happy to tell them. I will not and would never expect that someone else will need and do exactly as I did.
Recently, I have been running into AA Fundamentalists for a total lack of a better word. They have achieved sobriety one way and because they did, there is only 1 way for it to be done. God, no wonder people get scared off at meetings. The Big Book asked me the question, "Am I willing to do anything to get sober?". Most of the time I thought I was saying yes, while my active addict brain was telling me otherwise. So, when it was time to say a yes to that question and stick with it, I defined my plan. My plan was to do DBT for 15 months, enroll in monitoring program for 3 years, get a sponsor, go to meetings and work through the steps, attend regular therapy and take my medications.
So, in the eyes of the AA Fundamentalists I have been meeting in the last 2 months, this is a horrible plan. 1. I am not moving fast enough - this should all be done in three weeks. 2. I am heading towards relapse because I don't know how to define morality. 3. The guide I printed off of the internet was wrong wrong wrong, I lack morals (this is what the deleted posted was implying). 4. DBT is in conflict with AA if I am trying to take control of actions and emotions, this is my Higher Power's domain only. On and on and on. I can't understand why I am not finding support for this plan from anyone but my therapist as of recently.
We have a book that we read and define our plan of recovery. I have interpreted the reading of this book to be a guideline to recovery. Here are steps we can take to heal ourselves of the obsession of alcoholism. The steps are taken at different times for different people. These are generally good steps for people without addiction to live by. Appreciate today, live for today, say your sorry when you have harmed someone, help your neighbor in need, share the joy of your relationship with the world with others. Apparently, my interpretation of reading is far different than others. I had worked with another sponsor for a short time. She started by having me read the entire Big Book out loud to her. I didn't see anything in the Big Book about this. Does that mean she was steering me wrong? No, it's something her sponsor did with her and she was passing along her knowledge. It didn't really speak to me, but I was willing to try anything to get sober. I certainly enjoyed the spontaneous discussions we would have after reading a section or two.
I do not understand the harshness of those who feel like they have the 1 and only answer to recovery. This has been my experience with religion which is why it might be sparking such a sensitive nerve. I believe most religions are trying to be a good place, following the scriptures to lead a healthy life of serve to others. Love they neighbor as thyself. Good message. I think it's important. It's when people start to interpret things in certain way to obstruct someone's ability to achieve a goal of the Good Message. AA is starting to do this to me right now and I am quite saddened by it. I don't want to be driven away by a few narrow-minded people. I am trying to remember that when I first started with AA, it was about support. It was talking about our addiction and our experiences. It was about reaching out to others. I think it can be this once again.
My experience now has been, you don't know how to read, you don't know how to define your morality, you don't move quickly enough, you are losing your way, you are going to fail. What the hell kind of supportive message is this?!?! It reminds me of all my years in Catholic school, "Just remember kids, if you lie, you are going to straight to hell. Have a nice afternoon". I am still a little scorned by being in this environment for many many years. By high school, I just gave up and told myself, well I am going to hell anyway, I should take the opportunity to enjoy the ride. Exit God. Exit control. Welcome addiction.
I just don't feel like I should be in a place to have to defend my recovery. I am done being insulted about my experiences. This blog is just about my experience and my honest opinion of it. If your experience was different and wonderful, GREAT! I am not going to argue that it wasn't. Maybe this is what should be expected when blogging. I have been doing this for about 4 months now. The feedback both on here and in my private messages have been much more civil than the past 1 month or so.
So, my conclusions today: Am I willing to do anything to be sober? Yes. Are you doing it? Yes. Will this plan work for everyone? No. Am I ok with that? Absolutely. Should everyone else be ok with that? Yes. Is AA the only way? No. Will I continue to go? Yes. Do I regret my experiences so far? No.
Just as the tattoo on my right arm says "ONLY GOD WILL" ....judge me, help me, hold me.