The last six weeks have been sort of a blur. Classes coming to an end, papers due, exams, work, life, break and now school is starting again tomorrow. Toward the end of the previous semester, I was really starting to get quite burnt. While I wouldn't consider my program to be the most academically rigorous program in the world, studying is still required and it is obvious when it isn't happening. I found myself starting to decline as far as my academic responsibilities as well as my professional working ones. The only thing I could keep saying that made sense to me was "I AM BURNT....CRISPY....stick a fork in me...I AM DONE"
I think as the intensity started to ramp up at the end of the semester, I did the absolute worse thing I could do for myself which was to start picking up more hours at work. I started putting my emphasis there and using it, maybe, as a way not to address the stuff I really needed to be focused on. On the other hand, I do also think I was picking up because it has been nice not to need to use my loan money for this semester. Financially it is more comfortable to continue to have money flowing in. On yet another hand, I also think I started using work as a way to make myself feel competent at something. I am good at my job and I was starting to under perform in school, thus, I will work and feel better about myself. On the very last hand, I also feel some weird obligation to my employer. I got a 4% raise this year, they have been more than flexible with my work schedule and I got employee of the month. Long ago, I called my boss from detox and she has always been one of my top supporters of my recovery and has been really respectful of my privacy.
So, this semester is starting tomorrow. I am really excited about it. I don't actually know my schedule although I have a pretty good idea of what it is going to look like. It will leave me about 3.5 days "off" so to speak. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and partial Thursdays. Initially, when I had more energy than I do now, I started committing myself to 20+ a week. I think in one way I wanted to be the hero in a situation at work in which one very long-term knowledgeable employee is leaving at the end of May. That group likes me and I would step into that role. I will be showered with praise and happiness that I was able to help them out in a pinch.
I think what is getting to me right now is the fact I put in my notice to leave work in order to make school my full time job. Now, unfortunately, the school is taking a back seat to whatever these reasons are that I keep hanging on. I have said it out loud, numerous times, I don't need to work....so why am I pushing myself to such great lengths to fill every waking hour outside of school at work? I will know on Tuesday, for sure, what my schedule will look like. I started looking at the calendar tonight thinking about my goals. I could easily work all the days I have off. I would be failing to give myself time to rebound after my 12-15 hour days with school. I could commit to one day a week or I could simply not commit at all. When I start to think about the latter, I start getting into this push and pull of "hey they have been flexible with me....." or "don't burn bridges even if I think I don't want to work for the organization after I am done..." It goes on and on and it is these thoughts that prevent me from fully saying no.
So if I am not going to say no, than what next. Doing the 1 day a week thing is hard for me. I feel stressed the entire time I am there because it is like 40 hours of work in 8-16 hours per week. It's hard but I have been doing it for a while so it should not be that big of deal. Then I get to thinking, well they are not going to want me there just 1 day a week so I should just keep offering more until I get a sense that it is acceptable. Ha! What a concept. I am still in this la-la land that my employer actually cares if I get burned out. They asked me what I want to work and if I can tell them I can do 20 hours per week, then they probably assume that this is possible to do...I should not expect them to come to me and say "hey, you look burned out, ever thought about just 1 day a week?" I guess in a strange way I WANT them to say that to me so I know it's OK. I don't want them to be talking about me in any sort of negative way.
Here is one of those moments in my life that I think I am just going to have to let go and let God. The more I try to make a decision the faster I am at being able to talk myself out of any decision at all. I need to be a little more patient and give myself even 1 week with my new schedule to figure out what everything is going to be like. I need to structure my schedule around the goal of school and let go of trying to help out everyone at work at the expense of myself. I like feeling needed and accepted for the work I do. I don't like being in these clinical situations and not knowing what I should do or not being capable of doing much. That doesn't mean I need to work my hind end off for 30 hours a week to get some validation. Deep down I know that. I would tell this immediately to another person if they sought my advice on a similar problem. It's just hard for me.
I suspect that I know what I will decide. The next tough part will be to tell everyone what I have decided if it is not what they were expecting. Truthfully I am still going back and forth at this point. Sigh. As like many other decisions in my life, I just want this decision to be done and move on. I remember feeling this exact same way in the fall when I started contemplating leaving my job in the first place. I was sitting in school when I made the final decision because it was so obvious to me at that moment, this is what I want, I want to be able to go for it, get it done and move on with my passion. I tell people often, it was the best decision I ever made. Sadly, I am kinda screwing it up with this sort of weird dependency issue related to my job. As I am writing this the following thought just entered my head, "and I just don't want the people I work with to forget me." I know I won't forget them, I have been there for almost 4 years now. The tremendous loyalty, however, is taking its toll. Additionally, I don't think it should really matter if they forget about me. I will remain in contact with those who are close to me and have become friends.
I don't know, it is just something I need to decide and I will. Thought this topic might make a good journal entry since I have not been here for a little while. I want to thank all of my readers, I am inching toward 10,000 hits which is just unbelievable to me!!!! Thank you, thank you!
Peace out,
J
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Recovery Choices - Yeah, There is More Than One
I think I am assuming some of the stress of other students who are graduating in a few weeks. I have been spending lots of time looking on the internet to see what jobs are available in Addiction Services. I certainly do not know why I am worried since I am going to be in school for about another year AND there seems to be enough jobs out there.
I started looking around to see what private practice would look like if I ever decided to go that route. I found this website of a practitioner who was basically bad mouthing the 12 step model as being totally closed minded as well as facilities who participate in 12 step facilitation. I can certainly see how and why people feel like AA is like that. I would just expect a professional who is claiming to have alternatives to not be so close minded to what AA can offer people as well.
While the 12 steps are a part of my recovery, I am completely open-minded to other types of recovery. AA was not my first choice of recovery options for me. I was scared of the spirituality peace. I was still coming to terms with the whole "God" thing. I felt like that was too large of an issue to take on in early recovery. I didn't do any step work for the first year of my recovery because I felt like it was important to just be aware of my addiction everyday instead of stressing myself out trying to make amends and complete my inventory of all my character defects. Again, I felt like these issues were too large to be dealing with in early recovery.
I felt what I needed more than anything in early recovery was the support I felt during the meetings. By support, I mean that I felt a unity with a group of people (finally). I felt like I could talk about my addiction without shame and even laugh at how ridiculous I had become. The meetings I attended talked a lot about recovery and didn't hammer the steps at all times. We spoke about our tough days, what we were thinking and how we could help ourselves. I have had some meetings in which I disagreed with my peers but almost every AA person will tell you "take what you need and leave the rest". As my recovery as progressed, I am certainly able to do this a lot more than I used to.
I certainly support SMART RECOVERY as a good option. http://www.smartrecovery.org/ They approach recovery the way I did in the beginning as well. I needed skills. I needed help just living on lives terms. Smart Recovery is about empowering oneself in recovery. Compared with AA, which is more about surrender, I can imagine empowerment in recovery seems more reasonable for people. DBT was just the way I went about it. I have printed out the recovery homework and I really liked the skills they teach. I hope those who are not connected through AA would consider something like this. They also have support groups. I do think this is a component of recovery.
I believe a lot of my initial recovery was due the accountability piece as well. It is a lot easier to keep my motivation to be sober if I have everything to lose with regards to my career and my livelihood. I think I would have been able to dry without doing anything else like AA or DBT. Life would have not been of great quality. I found my quality in AA. I don't expect everyone to find quality through the steps. In fact, people have found quality of life in the 12 step who don't have addiction. It can really work either way. It is just important to fill that hole before the bottle becomes the next option. My monitoring program became my parole officer in recovery. It was probably the most helpful thing to remain sober in that first year until my brain started to function closer to normal.
I know of people who have hired recovery coaches as a way of trying to create accountability. Since the addict brain takes about 12-18 months to heal, it is important to have something in place to keep us on the right path. Counseling is certainly another viable options as well. Most addicts have problem, whether they existed because of the addiction or prior to the addiction, working with a professional seems to be a good option. Between a recovery coach and a counselor, I could see people being successful in recovery. I did not have a recovery coach although I kinda considered my DBT therapist as one since we were mainly focused on my issues around staying sober. Counseling in general was something that I needed. I am a person that needs to get out of my head to say sane!
One of my teachers told me this: 1/3 of people will recovery regardless (i.e. they decided they are done drinking, they are just done. No treatment needed. No withdrawal. God I wish I had been one of these :) 1/3 of people are sitting on the fence, they are certainly capable of recovery, they just have trouble committing to the long haul of recovery or face recurrent relapses because the plan in not working for them. (I belong here. Back and forth until the combination came together to help me make better decisions until I was on board with sobriety.) 1/3 of people will never get sober no matter what that person or anyone outside of them do. I don't think his purpose was to tell us that some people cannot be helped. There are some people who are just not interested in being sober, nothing changes their mind. Nothing or no one is motivating. The addiction is so powerful for this group of people.
So when I look at the last 1/3 of that equation, I believe in harm reduction. As a whole, I believe that people need to be abstinent from their drug of choice, but what happens if there is no interest on the part of the addict. I believe in methadone programs for some. I believe in needle exchange programs. I believe in wet houses for chronic, terminal alcoholics. Obviously, this would not be my choice for the majority, but I think I have to admit that not everyone wants to be well. Since I do believe that addiction is a disease, I think everyone deserves to be treated with respect as they fight their terminal, progressive disease process. I realize there are large ethical debates around harm reduction. In my years in the nursing home, I have seen people who are diabetic (a disease) refusing to be compliant with diet and exercise recommendations (conditions of managing the disease) and losing limbs and becoming insulin resistance. While it is frustrating to see someone not following through with the recommendations, they are still my patient and I will provide education and allow them to eat 2 pints of ice cream before bed. Ultimately it is not my decision. Ultimately it is up to them to decide when enough is enough. Honestly, I don't see addiction as any different.
Anyway, I don't think if someone is reluctant to get sober because of AA, there are plenty of other options out there. Sobriety is hard and it takes effort along with serious life changes. I will admit that I have not been totally successful in doing all that is required, but I am dang close, enough to past 2.5 years of sobriety. I was just a little annoyed with that website because I don't believe, at least in my experience, that AA is as close minded as he would lead people to believe. I do not find it professional to say that one way is not the way. I fully agree there is not JUST one way but just be careful about badmouthing something that does work for some.
Happy Spring!
J
I started looking around to see what private practice would look like if I ever decided to go that route. I found this website of a practitioner who was basically bad mouthing the 12 step model as being totally closed minded as well as facilities who participate in 12 step facilitation. I can certainly see how and why people feel like AA is like that. I would just expect a professional who is claiming to have alternatives to not be so close minded to what AA can offer people as well.
While the 12 steps are a part of my recovery, I am completely open-minded to other types of recovery. AA was not my first choice of recovery options for me. I was scared of the spirituality peace. I was still coming to terms with the whole "God" thing. I felt like that was too large of an issue to take on in early recovery. I didn't do any step work for the first year of my recovery because I felt like it was important to just be aware of my addiction everyday instead of stressing myself out trying to make amends and complete my inventory of all my character defects. Again, I felt like these issues were too large to be dealing with in early recovery.
I felt what I needed more than anything in early recovery was the support I felt during the meetings. By support, I mean that I felt a unity with a group of people (finally). I felt like I could talk about my addiction without shame and even laugh at how ridiculous I had become. The meetings I attended talked a lot about recovery and didn't hammer the steps at all times. We spoke about our tough days, what we were thinking and how we could help ourselves. I have had some meetings in which I disagreed with my peers but almost every AA person will tell you "take what you need and leave the rest". As my recovery as progressed, I am certainly able to do this a lot more than I used to.
I certainly support SMART RECOVERY as a good option. http://www.smartrecovery.org/ They approach recovery the way I did in the beginning as well. I needed skills. I needed help just living on lives terms. Smart Recovery is about empowering oneself in recovery. Compared with AA, which is more about surrender, I can imagine empowerment in recovery seems more reasonable for people. DBT was just the way I went about it. I have printed out the recovery homework and I really liked the skills they teach. I hope those who are not connected through AA would consider something like this. They also have support groups. I do think this is a component of recovery.
I believe a lot of my initial recovery was due the accountability piece as well. It is a lot easier to keep my motivation to be sober if I have everything to lose with regards to my career and my livelihood. I think I would have been able to dry without doing anything else like AA or DBT. Life would have not been of great quality. I found my quality in AA. I don't expect everyone to find quality through the steps. In fact, people have found quality of life in the 12 step who don't have addiction. It can really work either way. It is just important to fill that hole before the bottle becomes the next option. My monitoring program became my parole officer in recovery. It was probably the most helpful thing to remain sober in that first year until my brain started to function closer to normal.
I know of people who have hired recovery coaches as a way of trying to create accountability. Since the addict brain takes about 12-18 months to heal, it is important to have something in place to keep us on the right path. Counseling is certainly another viable options as well. Most addicts have problem, whether they existed because of the addiction or prior to the addiction, working with a professional seems to be a good option. Between a recovery coach and a counselor, I could see people being successful in recovery. I did not have a recovery coach although I kinda considered my DBT therapist as one since we were mainly focused on my issues around staying sober. Counseling in general was something that I needed. I am a person that needs to get out of my head to say sane!
One of my teachers told me this: 1/3 of people will recovery regardless (i.e. they decided they are done drinking, they are just done. No treatment needed. No withdrawal. God I wish I had been one of these :) 1/3 of people are sitting on the fence, they are certainly capable of recovery, they just have trouble committing to the long haul of recovery or face recurrent relapses because the plan in not working for them. (I belong here. Back and forth until the combination came together to help me make better decisions until I was on board with sobriety.) 1/3 of people will never get sober no matter what that person or anyone outside of them do. I don't think his purpose was to tell us that some people cannot be helped. There are some people who are just not interested in being sober, nothing changes their mind. Nothing or no one is motivating. The addiction is so powerful for this group of people.
So when I look at the last 1/3 of that equation, I believe in harm reduction. As a whole, I believe that people need to be abstinent from their drug of choice, but what happens if there is no interest on the part of the addict. I believe in methadone programs for some. I believe in needle exchange programs. I believe in wet houses for chronic, terminal alcoholics. Obviously, this would not be my choice for the majority, but I think I have to admit that not everyone wants to be well. Since I do believe that addiction is a disease, I think everyone deserves to be treated with respect as they fight their terminal, progressive disease process. I realize there are large ethical debates around harm reduction. In my years in the nursing home, I have seen people who are diabetic (a disease) refusing to be compliant with diet and exercise recommendations (conditions of managing the disease) and losing limbs and becoming insulin resistance. While it is frustrating to see someone not following through with the recommendations, they are still my patient and I will provide education and allow them to eat 2 pints of ice cream before bed. Ultimately it is not my decision. Ultimately it is up to them to decide when enough is enough. Honestly, I don't see addiction as any different.
Anyway, I don't think if someone is reluctant to get sober because of AA, there are plenty of other options out there. Sobriety is hard and it takes effort along with serious life changes. I will admit that I have not been totally successful in doing all that is required, but I am dang close, enough to past 2.5 years of sobriety. I was just a little annoyed with that website because I don't believe, at least in my experience, that AA is as close minded as he would lead people to believe. I do not find it professional to say that one way is not the way. I fully agree there is not JUST one way but just be careful about badmouthing something that does work for some.
Happy Spring!
J
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Addicted to The Addict
I was having a conversation with one of the clinical folks at my school. He does several presentations weekly about spirituality to newcomers to the AA/Al-non system. He told me that my Higher Power has always been working in my life, I was just too busy to notice when I was using. I think that to be pretty accurate. Today was one of those Higher Power moment. I think I was just getting too caught up in the future and my Higher Power found a sneaky way to get me back to the present.
With the change of the semesters coming up, it has been difficult to stay in the present. Today while I was in class, the presenter asked for 8 volunteers to do a family therapy demonstration. Normally I really don't like the conflict in these settings, but since these people were fellow students and we had some guidelines to run by, I thought it might not be so bad. I don't mind volunteering for most of the demonstration. It is part of the goals for myself to be more willing to stretch myself and put myself in uncomfortable situations. I picked a winner tonight!
So when we were outside of the classroom assigning relationships,etc, I got volunteered to be a therapist in this situation. I had no idea what I was really supposed to be doing, but I figured it would be like an individual therapy session to some degree and I can certainly hold my ground and at least ask some questions. Well, with a family of six sitting in front of me, my fellow classmates let it rip and started arguing with each other. I imagine this could be a pretty typical presentation in a family situation. The presenter didn't seem to be to concerned.
For the first time, I just had no idea what to do. When the group quieted down enough for the therapists to talk, I had no clue! There was this problem and that problem. Do I point out the relationship issues I am currently detecting. What the hell am I supposed to be doing??
Why I believe my Higher Power put me there at that moment, was to get me out of planning my life after school. I have been plugging along and I have pretty much my grades where I want them to be. I am excited to have this semester finished. I have lofty thoughts of what I want to do when this is all over. I look at jobs daily and do research about PhD programs or private practice. Well, guess what, I can dream and love the future all I want, but I need to be here, right now, to actually learn stuff!! I don't think I was getting arrogant to think that I know it all, I think I was depending on next semester to be more relevant to me right now. I am glad that my HP was able to sent me a little hint.
I have to admit that I was pretty proud of myself for not totally panicking in that situation. I grab a few people after the class and mentioned how uncomfortable I felt. They did too! Whew! When I said something in the class about this, the presenter told me that I was personalizing the awkwardness of the family. I think I actually disagree, I think I was feeling uncomfortable about not having the instinct to know what to do. I haven't spend any time learning about family therapy so this was coming out of left field as far as I was concerned.
I have also realized in the past two weeks, so much about this family dynamic. We talked to today about how an addict can disrupt the whole family system, so much so that the family system almost becomes dependent on the addict to stay sick. The patterns around the addict are just like the addicts pattern around the drug. I saw this very clearly in my clinical placement last week.
What I am still trying to grasp is how this situation is for the parents of an addict. I don't have children so this is just all speculation on my side. If I did have a child who became an addict, I think you could give me all the education in the world and I would probably still function in the same "save the person" role. It appears to be that the generation behind me is coming in with more opiate abuse along with benzodiazapine abuse as well. Alcohol will certainly kill, so I am not downplaying the struggles of alcohol addiction. But what remains different with the opiate and benzo population is that people are DYING. They are literally walking out the door, relapsing in 2-3 days and overdosing. I think parents of an addict tend to be very aware of that since all you have to do is open up the paper or watch the news and there is likely coverage on the topic.
So, as a parent, what do you do if you child is so wrapped up in benzos, meth and opiates and the addict doesn't quite grasp that this is a life or death situation. The chances of them dying on an overdose is HUGE right after treatment or 3-6 months of sobriety. Possibly the only reason they haven't died is because the parents are stepping in. Wouldn't you though, if this were your child? I would feel such empathy for parents if they expressed to me that they could not just "give up" on their child or see their child die because this time they were not their to save them.
What I know and understand of the addict side of things is that recovery is only possible if I have the right type of motivation. Whether this is internal or external, it doesn't really matter. Originally, I was externally motivated by the monitoring program - stay sober or lose your license. Since then I have become internally motivated to have a quality sober life, and so on. I was talking with a mother of addict recently and she was carrying the burden of all this child's anxiety and distress. I see an opportunity to start getting healthy by not taking on his emotional issues, but she looked me straight in the eye and told me there was no way she was going to set the boundaries that this program was suggesting. It was too much and she would feel too guilty to sit on the sidelines and watch him die. If he did die under her watch at least she would have the knowledge that she did everything possible to try to save him.
I think about her a lot since I have met her. I know what the "right" thing to say is. She is totally enmeshed with this kid. He is old enough to be on his own and make his decisions. She needs to step way back and let him hit his bottom without her assistance. She needs to kick him out of the house, etc. But looking at the pain in her eyes, it was hard to tell her what I know to be the way to get the addict to stop. What if she did do this? What would her life be all about if he got into recovery? If she doesn't find some form of recovery, she, herself, could be a huge relapse trigger. She is literally addicted to him. Let's look at the criteria for dependence to a substance:
1. Tolerance - Parent become tolerant of their addict - "next time I am not going to bail him out of jail..." Next time comes, parents post bail. "I would never let him back in my house if he stole money...." He pawned all the jewelry and he still lives with you....
2. Withdrawal - The kid is in treatment and she is still calling him 3 times a day and she can't handle that he is having a difficult time in treatment. She is attempting to visit or call at every minute. If he calls another family member, she will contact the other family member for an update.
3. Larger Amount of Substance Used than Intended: A parent will "only search on the streets" until 9pm. Then 10pm rolls around...now it is midnight. "Tomorrow I am not going to do this.." Back out on the streets at 5pm.
4. Persistent or Unsuccessful Attempt to Stop or Reduce: Parents will promise other family members that they will not do certain rituals around the addict like searching for them on the streets. They do it anyway. The parents, like us addicts, yell, "I can't do this anymore!" yet we find ourselves back in the same spot the next day.
5. A Great Deal of Time is Spent Getting, Using or Recovering from Substance: Ever seen an addict's mother? She is totally exhausted, thinking 24 hours a day about what to do. There are sleepless night and panic attacks. There may be frequent trips to the ER or the doctor to manage anxiety.
6.Important Social, Occupational or Family obligations are reduced or given up because of the Substance: Ever heard of a parent losing their job because they were constantly calling in sick? What about the other children in that family, do you think they are getting quality time with the parents?
7. Use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by use: The parents might not know that hanging too close to the addict is causing all the problems or exacerbating the problems within the family construct. Once they are provided education though, they are aware that not changing their behavior as well can be detrimental.
I honestly think a lot of family member would not like to look at themselves as an addict in this situation since the addict has nearly destroyed their sanity. I find the whole concept to be very true. It is an interesting dynamic to contemplate. I am particularly interested in this topic now since I think the whole family needs treatment when there is addiction present. I have known alcoholism and addiction to be considered a family disease. I just don't think I ever fully understood to the extent this affects the family system.
Anywho, just had a lot of thoughts on the drive home. I still haven't titled this blog at this point. I am not sure I intended to right this entry with a purpose in mind. I will figure out something soon!
Good night all,
J
With the change of the semesters coming up, it has been difficult to stay in the present. Today while I was in class, the presenter asked for 8 volunteers to do a family therapy demonstration. Normally I really don't like the conflict in these settings, but since these people were fellow students and we had some guidelines to run by, I thought it might not be so bad. I don't mind volunteering for most of the demonstration. It is part of the goals for myself to be more willing to stretch myself and put myself in uncomfortable situations. I picked a winner tonight!
So when we were outside of the classroom assigning relationships,etc, I got volunteered to be a therapist in this situation. I had no idea what I was really supposed to be doing, but I figured it would be like an individual therapy session to some degree and I can certainly hold my ground and at least ask some questions. Well, with a family of six sitting in front of me, my fellow classmates let it rip and started arguing with each other. I imagine this could be a pretty typical presentation in a family situation. The presenter didn't seem to be to concerned.
For the first time, I just had no idea what to do. When the group quieted down enough for the therapists to talk, I had no clue! There was this problem and that problem. Do I point out the relationship issues I am currently detecting. What the hell am I supposed to be doing??
Why I believe my Higher Power put me there at that moment, was to get me out of planning my life after school. I have been plugging along and I have pretty much my grades where I want them to be. I am excited to have this semester finished. I have lofty thoughts of what I want to do when this is all over. I look at jobs daily and do research about PhD programs or private practice. Well, guess what, I can dream and love the future all I want, but I need to be here, right now, to actually learn stuff!! I don't think I was getting arrogant to think that I know it all, I think I was depending on next semester to be more relevant to me right now. I am glad that my HP was able to sent me a little hint.
I have to admit that I was pretty proud of myself for not totally panicking in that situation. I grab a few people after the class and mentioned how uncomfortable I felt. They did too! Whew! When I said something in the class about this, the presenter told me that I was personalizing the awkwardness of the family. I think I actually disagree, I think I was feeling uncomfortable about not having the instinct to know what to do. I haven't spend any time learning about family therapy so this was coming out of left field as far as I was concerned.
I have also realized in the past two weeks, so much about this family dynamic. We talked to today about how an addict can disrupt the whole family system, so much so that the family system almost becomes dependent on the addict to stay sick. The patterns around the addict are just like the addicts pattern around the drug. I saw this very clearly in my clinical placement last week.
What I am still trying to grasp is how this situation is for the parents of an addict. I don't have children so this is just all speculation on my side. If I did have a child who became an addict, I think you could give me all the education in the world and I would probably still function in the same "save the person" role. It appears to be that the generation behind me is coming in with more opiate abuse along with benzodiazapine abuse as well. Alcohol will certainly kill, so I am not downplaying the struggles of alcohol addiction. But what remains different with the opiate and benzo population is that people are DYING. They are literally walking out the door, relapsing in 2-3 days and overdosing. I think parents of an addict tend to be very aware of that since all you have to do is open up the paper or watch the news and there is likely coverage on the topic.
So, as a parent, what do you do if you child is so wrapped up in benzos, meth and opiates and the addict doesn't quite grasp that this is a life or death situation. The chances of them dying on an overdose is HUGE right after treatment or 3-6 months of sobriety. Possibly the only reason they haven't died is because the parents are stepping in. Wouldn't you though, if this were your child? I would feel such empathy for parents if they expressed to me that they could not just "give up" on their child or see their child die because this time they were not their to save them.
What I know and understand of the addict side of things is that recovery is only possible if I have the right type of motivation. Whether this is internal or external, it doesn't really matter. Originally, I was externally motivated by the monitoring program - stay sober or lose your license. Since then I have become internally motivated to have a quality sober life, and so on. I was talking with a mother of addict recently and she was carrying the burden of all this child's anxiety and distress. I see an opportunity to start getting healthy by not taking on his emotional issues, but she looked me straight in the eye and told me there was no way she was going to set the boundaries that this program was suggesting. It was too much and she would feel too guilty to sit on the sidelines and watch him die. If he did die under her watch at least she would have the knowledge that she did everything possible to try to save him.
I think about her a lot since I have met her. I know what the "right" thing to say is. She is totally enmeshed with this kid. He is old enough to be on his own and make his decisions. She needs to step way back and let him hit his bottom without her assistance. She needs to kick him out of the house, etc. But looking at the pain in her eyes, it was hard to tell her what I know to be the way to get the addict to stop. What if she did do this? What would her life be all about if he got into recovery? If she doesn't find some form of recovery, she, herself, could be a huge relapse trigger. She is literally addicted to him. Let's look at the criteria for dependence to a substance:
1. Tolerance - Parent become tolerant of their addict - "next time I am not going to bail him out of jail..." Next time comes, parents post bail. "I would never let him back in my house if he stole money...." He pawned all the jewelry and he still lives with you....
2. Withdrawal - The kid is in treatment and she is still calling him 3 times a day and she can't handle that he is having a difficult time in treatment. She is attempting to visit or call at every minute. If he calls another family member, she will contact the other family member for an update.
3. Larger Amount of Substance Used than Intended: A parent will "only search on the streets" until 9pm. Then 10pm rolls around...now it is midnight. "Tomorrow I am not going to do this.." Back out on the streets at 5pm.
4. Persistent or Unsuccessful Attempt to Stop or Reduce: Parents will promise other family members that they will not do certain rituals around the addict like searching for them on the streets. They do it anyway. The parents, like us addicts, yell, "I can't do this anymore!" yet we find ourselves back in the same spot the next day.
5. A Great Deal of Time is Spent Getting, Using or Recovering from Substance: Ever seen an addict's mother? She is totally exhausted, thinking 24 hours a day about what to do. There are sleepless night and panic attacks. There may be frequent trips to the ER or the doctor to manage anxiety.
6.Important Social, Occupational or Family obligations are reduced or given up because of the Substance: Ever heard of a parent losing their job because they were constantly calling in sick? What about the other children in that family, do you think they are getting quality time with the parents?
7. Use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by use: The parents might not know that hanging too close to the addict is causing all the problems or exacerbating the problems within the family construct. Once they are provided education though, they are aware that not changing their behavior as well can be detrimental.
I honestly think a lot of family member would not like to look at themselves as an addict in this situation since the addict has nearly destroyed their sanity. I find the whole concept to be very true. It is an interesting dynamic to contemplate. I am particularly interested in this topic now since I think the whole family needs treatment when there is addiction present. I have known alcoholism and addiction to be considered a family disease. I just don't think I ever fully understood to the extent this affects the family system.
Anywho, just had a lot of thoughts on the drive home. I still haven't titled this blog at this point. I am not sure I intended to right this entry with a purpose in mind. I will figure out something soon!
Good night all,
J
Saturday, March 23, 2013
We Are Family - Post Treatment
My clinical rotation for this week was quite interesting. In some ways, I was feeling a bit like a clinician and at other times a brand new patient in recovery. I have notice over the past year that my entry "ME ME ME Selfishness in Addiction" has been read over 500 times. After this week, it has become much clearer to me why this blog entry would be so popular. The selfishness an addict displays in active use is just mind boggling and certain not comprehensible to the non-addict. I did my best to describe the way addiction just hijacks the brain and we, the addicts, really start to believe what we say and think. We hope to smooth things over by telling our loved ones what they might want to hear. We also have no logical brain left the minute our chemical enters our body. It makes us nasty, selfish, self-serving, annoying and frustrating individuals to be around.
There were a group of people that approached me this week asking me how I dealt with my triggers in my early sobriety. I remember when I was doing my homework in treatment, they asked me to identify my triggers. The list went something like this:
1. Air
2. Water
3. My mind
4. Oh screw it, everything is a trigger at this point
The few days before treatment is over is really terrifying. In my situation, I had a loving family waiting for me, a condo to live in and job to go back to. Actually, all the same things I had when I was going in. My mind was still working on clearing out the booze and my addict brain was pretty sure death of imminent if I didn't get some alcohol in me STAT. My mom was kind enough to ask me before she attended her family week, "what can I do to help?" I told her at the time, you will find out in your family week. Actually, at the time, I had no idea how she could help anyway because I was the one that needed to say NO to alcohol and I needed to attend my meetings and I needed to get a sponsor, etc. etc. My mom couldn't do these things for me, although I might have let her try had she offered.
While my family attended the family week, it was reported back to me that my counselors felt like my mom and I were co-dependent on each other. They were telling my mom to start working a plan of her own and get health regardless of my decisions to be healthy or not. Oh boy, I was M-A-D. How dare they judge my relationship with my mom???? We have been through some stuff together. I am so fortunate that my mom took direction much better than me and worked to "detach with love" as it is called in the recovery world. My mom has always made it more than clear to me that she will always love me. She needs, however, a life of her own and I needed to start to build a life of my own as well.
After her family week, I think my mom had a great plan in place for herself. I kinda had a plan, not a great one, but a plan. I had a temporary sponsor and I called her on the day of my discharge. We set a plan to meet up at a local meeting. I have to admit, though, the minute I walked back into the same home I had been drinking in for the previous 6 years, literally, everything was a trigger. The house, the carpet, the cats, the spoons, the freezer. Good God, I felt like I was going out of my mind. I believe I lasted about 60 days sober before I relapsed. My head was spinning, I felt lethargic and depression, my anxiety was worse than that of a cat near a running vacuum. I finally justified that relapse with saying "if I am going to feel this shitty, I should just drink". And then I did that. Meanwhile, my mom was still working her program and managed to stay much more healthy than I did for the following 100 days which consisted of several relapses and eventually another trip to detox.
I think now, three years later, I could answer my mom's question. What can you do for me? Please let me work my program of recovery because I am the only one than can make this happen. I guess, please just love me the way you always have and trust that I will get sober - one way or the other. Fortunately for me, I believe her instructions were to do just this. When I was back in treatment the second time, I just felt so lost. I felt like a loser, why can't I just drink like other people? Who am I now? Am I just a sober drunk? Is that going to be the most unique thing about me? I drink too much? I knew that I needed to do some work on me. I needed to look into myself and reacquaint myself with me. I had to learn how to ask for help. I needed to learn how to deal with disappointment. I needed to learn how to not act on my impulses. All of this took a tremendous amount of time and strength for me. I was in therapy weekly, attending groups, starting DBT courses. I started to make the choices about building a life worth living sober. My mom did what she needed to do with me at this time. She reduced the amount of time that we talked to each other. She offered encouragement for good decisions. I love when she tells me "I put you in a blanket today and handed you over to God". I think that is the most loving thing she can do for my recovery - let me figure it out.
The kind of "selfishness" that appears in the first part of recovery is quite different to the addict, but I am not always convinced it feels much different to the outside members of family and friends. I would manage to disappear when I would start drinking - now I was gone at meetings. I would be on the phone, drunk, crying for help; meanwhile my family is feeling helpless to help - now I am telling you that you still can't help me, I have to do it on my own. I made some really horrible decisions - now I am asking you to let me make my decisions good, bad or otherwise. Family members must be confused when an addict gets home from treatment. For one, treatment is 21-28 days, a person just doesn't change all at once. So, in my view, I just went to boot camp and I have several more months of training ahead of me while others might be expecting me to "just be well". Secondly, the booze or chemical is out of their system, why aren't they happy now? Didn't they teach you enough stuff to keep you sober?? I could even imagine in some cases, family members don't even know what to do when the addict is now doing well! The family members become so invested and enmeshed with their addict, they have now lost who they are.
The 12 steps of al-anon are quite similar to that of the 12 steps of AA. While I am powerless over alcohol, the people in my life are powerless over me. Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Addicts drive their loved ones INSANE. Our behavior is so unfathomable, they start to question what they have done to make an addict the way they are. The addict and the family have the same issues going on. I think loved ones have just as much of a hard time changing as we the addicts to. Everyone has to change their thinking, heck, all of us just need to change everything and we will be fine. We are both educated about setting boundaries which is always uncomfortable for everyone involved. I know it was hard when my mom set some boundaries with me. A few years later, I am so proud of her for doing that. I believe my recovery is stronger in light of the recovery of her own program. Recovery can be contagious, ya know.
In short, recovery is process and a lifelong one at that. While the loved ones in my life may want to be involved, ultimately, the decision comes back to me. I know, right now, that my disease is activated by taking a sip of alcohol. My job is to do everything in my power, just for today to make sure I don't pick up that first drink. What my family can do for me is just stand by me, sort of like running a race. I am running and making new goals, my family is standing at the goal point, with signs say "GO JULIE!" Just knowing I have people in my corner is more than I could ever ask for especially after all the chaos I created in everyone's lives. What can you do for your addict? Be healthy, set boundaries and be loving.....from a distance.
Julie
Friday, March 22, 2013
The Addiction Voice
Oh, I have been just itching to write up some blog entries, so much good recovery stuff floating through my mind these days. Most of my days have been 12 hours or more with school, so my energy level has just not allowed me to get to writing down all these ideas!
We started talking about DBT therapy in one of my classes. I took my year long DBT course and loved everything about it....eventually. I had an introduction to DBT when I was in my outpatient treatment in the fall of 2010. This class met once per week and we talked about different skills, mainly at a surface level, but so very helpful at the time. I just needed something, anything to deal with all these feelings, emotions and generalized craziness in my head. I volunteered to sign up for the year long course with the weekly therapy sessions to learn more since the few skills I knew of where so helpful.
I have blogged here and there about some of the skills I have learned over time. There was a general concept that I have never really addressed from my DBT experience. I don't have to believe everything I think. At the time my instructor said this, I thought this was the most profound thing I have ever heard in my life. Really? I don't have to listen to myself? I can tell my mind to just be quiet and go away? Really???? At least in my situation, it was learning to stop listening to the addict part of my brain. All these contradictory messages running through my head pushing me this way and justifying that way. My mind would just race and race until I thought drinking was my only option to stop all the madness.
In some of my earlier AA meetings when I was trying to stay sober, I remember people talking about these ridiculous excuses and justifications they had when they were drinking or thinking about starting again. They were laughing about how ridiculous it all was. Part of me was laughing because I could see how bizarre and crazy these thoughts were but I was also not laughing because I was still having these thoughts and they were continuing to drive me in the wrong direction. On one level, I really did know that the thoughts were not right. On another level, I just wanted to listen so I could go back to my safe zone and drink. And, on the very last level, I didn't know how to stop these thoughts, if I could stop these thoughts or if it was possible to not believe these thoughts.
Some of these thoughts included:
*I am going to hide my bottles even though I live alone. What if someone came by and there was a bottle out? (Mind you, I hadn't had a visitor in my house for over 1 year)
*I am out of liquor - crap, I need to drive to Wisconsin (45 miles) to get something because it is Sunday. (Yet, I wouldn't drive to a meeting 5 minutes from my house for my recovery.)
*Tonight, I am not going to drink more than 2 drinks.....(after the 2 drinks), well, I will try that tomorrow, I will try to have just one more tonight.
*(Every Morning for about 5 years) I am so not drinking tonight.....(8 hours later...at the liquor store after work).
*I need to start changing up which liquor stores I go to, the cashiers are going to think I am an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic, I just like to drink (1.75L every 2-3 days)
In DBT, we started working on the mindfulness skills. My teachers would start a mindfulness activity and tell us that if a thought came into our head, to let it go just as quickly as it came it. Like a breath of air. The thought comes in, just breathe it out. I could do that with some of my thoughts. When it came to addiction thoughts, though, this was nearly impossible. My teachers called this, "getting on the train". When the thought comes in and I grab hold of it and start hooking myself on to an inner dialogue about it, I got on the train and my mind is westbound to crazy town. (That was my name for it, not my teachers....) Here is an example:
"The Benign Thought": I have a test on Tuesday.....breathe in, thought comes.....breathe out, thought fades away. Julie's busy mind: I have a test on Tuesday....I wonder if I picked up work after that, I would probably get there before 3pm.....should I email them this....no.....I will just get there when I get there.......(If I had attempted to breathe out the entire time this was going on, I would have no carbon dioxide left in my system).
This is an example of getting on the train for all intensive purposes here. It is just a state of being in which I latch myself to the thought and stop being mindful and start stressing or having a stress reaction in a quiet environment.
So, let's take a look at this from another perspective.....getting on the train with a triggering thought.
"The Addiction Thought": What would happen if I drank after my monitoring program was over?...breathe in, thought arrives....breath out...let it go. Julie's busy mind: What would happen if I drank after my monitoring program? Oh my gosh, I wonder why I even thought this, I mean what does that mean? Do I need to start watching what I am doing, does this mean I am going to relapse when I am done? What would I do, what would happen to my career.....(this might go one for another 20 minutes or so....)
I got on the train here, that is for sure. Not all of my questions are bad ones in this case, but I really have to realize that this was just a thought. I am not acting on it. I am not ruining my life. I could have just as easily let it pass and saved myself 30 minutes of crazy town.
Another voice that starts to creep in here is my "addict voice". In addition to the questions above, my addict mind would steer the conversation in this direction: Julie's addict mind: You know, no one would really know if I started drinking again because your program would be over and you are just in school. I am in a grad school for addiction studies so it wouldn't be very smart, but I bet I could hide it. I was really good at that before. I would just have to be more careful about not calling people and stuff so people wouldn't think something is up. I know I could get in huge trouble for drinking while counseling but I bet since I haven't drank in so long, it would take awhile before I was that bad again. You know, I never really got in any trouble before.
For some reason, in my addict mind, this discussion path not only seems reasonable but worth taking to this extent. I have rather long drives back and forth to school and let me tell you this conversation with myself has come up a few times. I am nearing the end of my monitoring program and my addict mind is taking a swing at me at the moment.
Here is why the DBT idea of "I don't have to believe everything that I think" was so profound; in my initial phases of recovery, I was really convinced that I couldn't do anything about these thoughts. I would need to bow down and just do whatever they said. I needed the thoughts to stop and I sure know that alcohol consumption stopped that. My teachers told me awareness was one way to fight against these types of thoughts. Slow down, stop for a minute. Are these reasonable thoughts? Is this my addict mind talking? Do I really want to believe this? When I recognize my addict voice has the floor, I am equipped to shut down that whole show pretty quickly now. Some times I have to say "STOP". My addict mind thinks it is very rude of me to interrupt. So my addict mind tries to hid behind my busy mind and start to wonder why I was thinking about this in the first place. I need to just let this thought go, it was just a thought and that is all. There is no sinister plot behind it, there is no reason to believe it and there is no reason to hold on to it anymore. At least when I am driving, I like music at this time. Dive into a song and start singing at the top of lungs. (Thank God I am in the car with the windows up - just because my addict brain is going, doesn't mean the world has to suffer with my version of Pink....ha!)
I have the power and will to change the way I think on a daily basis. I still get caught up in thoughts from time to time. I would probably have to become non-human not to. I just work extra hard to not get on the train when I have a thought about using. I have been experiencing some using dreams recently. I don't need to sit around and ponder why this is happening. First of all, I don't really need to explain it - it's my addiction fighting a good fight. Second, my addiction is a part of my life everyday and there are going to be thoughts around it. It is up to me to identify the healthy thoughts "which meeting am I going to next?" versus manipulative addiction hungry thoughts "I bet I could use and get away with it...." In my powerlessness over alcohol, I became empowered to take my brain back. My opponent is always in training and trying to creep back in. I know this and I have to keep up on my skills and my recovery program. Everyday. Period. I may be powerless but I am not helpless.
Peace out!
Julie
We started talking about DBT therapy in one of my classes. I took my year long DBT course and loved everything about it....eventually. I had an introduction to DBT when I was in my outpatient treatment in the fall of 2010. This class met once per week and we talked about different skills, mainly at a surface level, but so very helpful at the time. I just needed something, anything to deal with all these feelings, emotions and generalized craziness in my head. I volunteered to sign up for the year long course with the weekly therapy sessions to learn more since the few skills I knew of where so helpful.
I have blogged here and there about some of the skills I have learned over time. There was a general concept that I have never really addressed from my DBT experience. I don't have to believe everything I think. At the time my instructor said this, I thought this was the most profound thing I have ever heard in my life. Really? I don't have to listen to myself? I can tell my mind to just be quiet and go away? Really???? At least in my situation, it was learning to stop listening to the addict part of my brain. All these contradictory messages running through my head pushing me this way and justifying that way. My mind would just race and race until I thought drinking was my only option to stop all the madness.
In some of my earlier AA meetings when I was trying to stay sober, I remember people talking about these ridiculous excuses and justifications they had when they were drinking or thinking about starting again. They were laughing about how ridiculous it all was. Part of me was laughing because I could see how bizarre and crazy these thoughts were but I was also not laughing because I was still having these thoughts and they were continuing to drive me in the wrong direction. On one level, I really did know that the thoughts were not right. On another level, I just wanted to listen so I could go back to my safe zone and drink. And, on the very last level, I didn't know how to stop these thoughts, if I could stop these thoughts or if it was possible to not believe these thoughts.
Some of these thoughts included:
*I am going to hide my bottles even though I live alone. What if someone came by and there was a bottle out? (Mind you, I hadn't had a visitor in my house for over 1 year)
*I am out of liquor - crap, I need to drive to Wisconsin (45 miles) to get something because it is Sunday. (Yet, I wouldn't drive to a meeting 5 minutes from my house for my recovery.)
*Tonight, I am not going to drink more than 2 drinks.....(after the 2 drinks), well, I will try that tomorrow, I will try to have just one more tonight.
*(Every Morning for about 5 years) I am so not drinking tonight.....(8 hours later...at the liquor store after work).
*I need to start changing up which liquor stores I go to, the cashiers are going to think I am an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic, I just like to drink (1.75L every 2-3 days)
In DBT, we started working on the mindfulness skills. My teachers would start a mindfulness activity and tell us that if a thought came into our head, to let it go just as quickly as it came it. Like a breath of air. The thought comes in, just breathe it out. I could do that with some of my thoughts. When it came to addiction thoughts, though, this was nearly impossible. My teachers called this, "getting on the train". When the thought comes in and I grab hold of it and start hooking myself on to an inner dialogue about it, I got on the train and my mind is westbound to crazy town. (That was my name for it, not my teachers....) Here is an example:
"The Benign Thought": I have a test on Tuesday.....breathe in, thought comes.....breathe out, thought fades away. Julie's busy mind: I have a test on Tuesday....I wonder if I picked up work after that, I would probably get there before 3pm.....should I email them this....no.....I will just get there when I get there.......(If I had attempted to breathe out the entire time this was going on, I would have no carbon dioxide left in my system).
This is an example of getting on the train for all intensive purposes here. It is just a state of being in which I latch myself to the thought and stop being mindful and start stressing or having a stress reaction in a quiet environment.
So, let's take a look at this from another perspective.....getting on the train with a triggering thought.
"The Addiction Thought": What would happen if I drank after my monitoring program was over?...breathe in, thought arrives....breath out...let it go. Julie's busy mind: What would happen if I drank after my monitoring program? Oh my gosh, I wonder why I even thought this, I mean what does that mean? Do I need to start watching what I am doing, does this mean I am going to relapse when I am done? What would I do, what would happen to my career.....(this might go one for another 20 minutes or so....)
I got on the train here, that is for sure. Not all of my questions are bad ones in this case, but I really have to realize that this was just a thought. I am not acting on it. I am not ruining my life. I could have just as easily let it pass and saved myself 30 minutes of crazy town.
Another voice that starts to creep in here is my "addict voice". In addition to the questions above, my addict mind would steer the conversation in this direction: Julie's addict mind: You know, no one would really know if I started drinking again because your program would be over and you are just in school. I am in a grad school for addiction studies so it wouldn't be very smart, but I bet I could hide it. I was really good at that before. I would just have to be more careful about not calling people and stuff so people wouldn't think something is up. I know I could get in huge trouble for drinking while counseling but I bet since I haven't drank in so long, it would take awhile before I was that bad again. You know, I never really got in any trouble before.
For some reason, in my addict mind, this discussion path not only seems reasonable but worth taking to this extent. I have rather long drives back and forth to school and let me tell you this conversation with myself has come up a few times. I am nearing the end of my monitoring program and my addict mind is taking a swing at me at the moment.
Here is why the DBT idea of "I don't have to believe everything that I think" was so profound; in my initial phases of recovery, I was really convinced that I couldn't do anything about these thoughts. I would need to bow down and just do whatever they said. I needed the thoughts to stop and I sure know that alcohol consumption stopped that. My teachers told me awareness was one way to fight against these types of thoughts. Slow down, stop for a minute. Are these reasonable thoughts? Is this my addict mind talking? Do I really want to believe this? When I recognize my addict voice has the floor, I am equipped to shut down that whole show pretty quickly now. Some times I have to say "STOP". My addict mind thinks it is very rude of me to interrupt. So my addict mind tries to hid behind my busy mind and start to wonder why I was thinking about this in the first place. I need to just let this thought go, it was just a thought and that is all. There is no sinister plot behind it, there is no reason to believe it and there is no reason to hold on to it anymore. At least when I am driving, I like music at this time. Dive into a song and start singing at the top of lungs. (Thank God I am in the car with the windows up - just because my addict brain is going, doesn't mean the world has to suffer with my version of Pink....ha!)
I have the power and will to change the way I think on a daily basis. I still get caught up in thoughts from time to time. I would probably have to become non-human not to. I just work extra hard to not get on the train when I have a thought about using. I have been experiencing some using dreams recently. I don't need to sit around and ponder why this is happening. First of all, I don't really need to explain it - it's my addiction fighting a good fight. Second, my addiction is a part of my life everyday and there are going to be thoughts around it. It is up to me to identify the healthy thoughts "which meeting am I going to next?" versus manipulative addiction hungry thoughts "I bet I could use and get away with it...." In my powerlessness over alcohol, I became empowered to take my brain back. My opponent is always in training and trying to creep back in. I know this and I have to keep up on my skills and my recovery program. Everyday. Period. I may be powerless but I am not helpless.
Peace out!
Julie
Friday, March 8, 2013
Look...Keep Looking....Tolerate....
I opted to participate in a class presentation of an individual who specializes in Gestalt forms of therapy. I won't go into the gory explanation of the history of Gestalt theory. Heck, I am not even sure I really could explain much as my knowledge is very broad and limited. I recommend a quick jaunt over to wikipedia to get a background if any of the following discussion in this blog is of interest.
The technique I volunteered to participate in was called the empty chair technique. It works basically how it sounds at this point. I sit in one chair and there is another chair across from me that is empty. She asked me to visualize my addict self sitting across from me, rum and diet pepsi in one hand (the right hand of course) and a cigarette in the left hand. She asked me to describe what I was seeing but talk about it as if I was talking to my addict self. It went something like this:
The technique I volunteered to participate in was called the empty chair technique. It works basically how it sounds at this point. I sit in one chair and there is another chair across from me that is empty. She asked me to visualize my addict self sitting across from me, rum and diet pepsi in one hand (the right hand of course) and a cigarette in the left hand. She asked me to describe what I was seeing but talk about it as if I was talking to my addict self. It went something like this:
- You haven't showered in about 3 days
- Your hair is greasy as well as your face
- You have dark circles under your eyes and your eyes are bloodshot
- You look anxious and nervous (Therapist jumps in here "you just took a drink")
- I am ashamed of you
- You don't have to live like this
- You are wasting your life ("oop, you just took a drink again")
The therapist jumped in to discuss what I was feeling at this point. I really felt like I was in that same ugly anxious place I was just 3 short years ago. The visual of my addict self described what I look like the day I admitted into detox the first time. They took this horrible picture of me and made sure I had it when I left to remind myself of what I felt like when I got there. I still have that picture. It is buried away in some boxes in my spare bedroom, but I kept it for just the reasons they asked me to. I don't want to forget....
During this little exercise, though, I think I did want to forget that person. I immediately retracted to that anxiety state which I hadn't felt for almost 2 years now. Didn't care for that so much. Additionally, as she was asking me how I felt about that person, I was disgusted, annoyed, angry, pissed off and ashamed. Remember, when I am describing all of this, I am still talking about myself. The reaction her questions provoked were very intense and very angry. Maybe on some deep level, I know that I still haven't forgiven that addict part of me. Also, maybe I am aware of how uncomfortable I am with that person. But unfortunately, that person is still me.
All of the people who chose to participate had rather intense reactions to the experience. We talked about feeling fearful of sitting near that person and the anger that arose when we started talking about it. The three of us mainly agreed that we still have not fully come to terms with the past. We had all worked our step 4, however, I think each of realized that we might have to go back and take a closer look. I know, for myself, I hadn't realized the level of self-hatred I still have for my old self. I enjoy the person I am today. I feel free and happy. I am engaged and in control. Being anywhere near that person of yesterday actually made me feel physically ill and really annoyed.
I think what I took from this experience is that I need to work on forgiving myself. I was a very sick individual who lost the way to happiness. I was a level 5 alcoholic with no clue there was a different way to live. I acted in ways that were not in accordance with my values or beliefs. I betrayed my sense of self for many years. I need to do some work in attempting to forgive that person. I don't react that way to other alcoholics/addicts that way. I see their illness eating them alive. I watch people make horrible decisions but would always welcome them back with open arms when they want to change. I went through that whole year long process of fighting to change. Why don't I give myself some credit? What happens if I never forgive myself and start seeing those individuals in my care in the same regard? Why would I hold myself to a different standard?
I know I have mentioned this in previous blog entries: I am ashamed of how far I fell. On the flip side, I am terribly proud of fighting back and continuing the battle on a daily basis. I am saddened by my actions and decisions of the past. I am working through my amends steps now. I am dragging my feet some and I wonder to what degree these feelings have something to do with it. I do fear on some level that people are going to reject me. I want to write letters and send them off. If people never talk to me again, I know, and if they do, hopefully we will never talk about my letter. This is just me trying to avoid really uncomfortable feelings. I have to allow myself to be vulnerable to someone I have wronged and I have to be willing to accept their decision to forgive me or not. I know I will feel better regardless of what the other person decides to do. I can't control their decisions. I just think I would feel liberated to say, "I did the wrong thing, I made bad decisions. My decisions affected you in the following ways......I want to sincerely apologize for the way I negatively impacted your life." There is just so much I want to apologize for and make amends but I have yet to make even a remote step towards this goal and completion of this step.
My Higher Power has a strange way of working. I was warned before class had started that I should not volunteer to go up for this demonstration. No one volunteered for the "facing the addict" demonstration. I was a bit arrogant thinking I could handle this, no problem. No worries, I am still handling it all, I was just so surprised at the intensity of my reaction and how perfectly this fit with my struggles to move through the next action steps to continue my journey in recovery. I think that was my Higher Power's way of giving me some answers when I keep asking "why is this so hard?" I was thinking it had to do something about being vulnerable to others. Now, I am thinking it has to do with going back and admitting all of these wrongs and coming back in contact with my addict self. The people I need to make amends to stuck with me through my addict phase. Bless them for that, honestly. I guess I only want people to see me as I am today. I would like to just forget that addict self, believe that I don't really need to make amends and just move right along to the next step.
Interesting how life comes together some times. I have some things to discuss with my sponsor and some counsel to get from others regarding their approaches to the amends steps. Well, all, I must sleep now, I have to work in the morning. I will keep you posted on the next recovery phase.....
Peace out
J
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
How Do You Know When You Completed Steps 1,2&3?
One of my instructors stood before me last week in class and ask me directly, "how do you know when a person has completed step 1?" I looked at him and was instantly frustrated at myself. I just wanted to tell him, you know when you know and when you see it you see it. Well, since I am getting a master's degree in 12-step facilitation, I don't think this answer is going to quite cut it. He asked me, then, a series of questions to see if he could guide me to the correct answer:
1. Is it when a person verbalizes: "I am powerless over alcohol?" Me: Um, no, I can just say that any day, the person needs to believe it.
2. How do you know then they believe it? Me: You can just tell, they "get it", they know that they are really powerless.
3. What is the difference between the person who says "I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable .." then turns around and buys a pint and drinks all night and the person who says the exact same thing and tries to not drink for one night? Me: One of them knows and means it.
4. Why? Me: Because one is trying to change.....
Ladies and gentleman, we have our answer! Even if the person that tries to stop drinking for one night and fails, this person has accepted step one. The main difference between the two people above is one is willing to try to change and the other is saying words s/he may believe but does not care to do anything about. The purpose of step one is express willingness and desire. It is through admitting to our deepest core and unearthing that desire to change.
The first AA meeting I went to 2004, I was definitely in scenario A. I knew I was powerless over alcohol, once I started I could not stop. I knew my life was headed in the wrong direction. I knew a lot of things and in fact, I was probably willing to say it out loud from time to time. I was far from step one because I wanted nothing to do with change. It wasn't until many years later, I had a moment of honesty and really wanted to try to change. I struggled with how I could possibly live without alcohol. I didn't think there was any possible way to do that. Additionally, I didn't know that I actually not drink. I adore drinking so much. I can not drink?!
I wrote a tweet the other night: Steps 1,2,3 = Willingness Steps 4,5,6,7,8,9 = Action and Steps 10,11,12 = Maintenance. It was pretty popular in the recovery community. I think there may be a lot of 12 steppers out there who have no idea on a psychological or scientific level why this program works for us. I would be one that would say, if it works, it works, so who cares? Well, since I am now becoming educated in the field, I guess I should have a better idea of why this stuff works!!
Step 2 is right along the same lines: Came to believe a power greater than me could restore me to sanity....I guess I never really paid much attention about why this step is worded the way it is. In step one, I admitted something. But until I was ready to change, I couldn't really move past step one. So, I decided I wanted to change. The next step in my program is to believe that change is possible. I came to believe that something in this world could restore me to sanity. I was certainly feeling and acting insane everyday for more than 15 years. If I never came to believe that sobriety was possible, I could never move forward. I guess, if you don't have hope, what's the point?
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understood Him. Although this might look like it would fall into the ACTION category, it really does belong in the willingness phase. I made a decision to look into my spirituality (NOT MY RELIGION, please note). I made a decision to let go of power struggle between me and my substance and let someone/something else deal with it. I made a decision to define God as I understand Him. I made a decision to become humble and ask for His help to restore me to sanity. Remember, last step, I came to believe that this was possible. What do I have to lose in step 3 by trying? My spiritual connection with the world was thwarted every day that I chose to drink. I humbly asked my God to please take me back and help me get over myself. My self will ran me into the ground and almost into the ground. I needed Him to guide me back to a place where the sun shined and I existed with some purpose.
As I experienced these three steps, I just knew inside myself when they were completed. I talked a good game at times that I had these steps completed, but deep down I knew I hadn't. I know now that they are most certainly completed. I could probably identify the days I finally reached completion now that I better understand what I had done to get there. Step one was completed on 02/06/2010, and while this is not my sobriety date, it is the date that I called my mom for help and decided that I wanted to change. I needed to change. Step 2 was completed 10/15/2010. While I was sober for a few months before this date, I was sober, in my mind anyway, because of the monitoring program. "They took away my choice to drink". I had started down the path of step two but feared getting involved in my own spirituality. Around this date, I finally came to believe that I needed something bigger and better in my life. If I was going to need to be sober because of this monitoring program, I better make my life worthwhile. Step 3 12/01/2010 - This was the date that I went and enrolled myself in DBT for 1 year. I was feeling a bigger sense of spirituality in my life through the mindfulness skills of DBT. I made a 15 month commitment to learn everything it could teach me. I was given the gift of learning how to let go (...then let God). I also learned that the monitoring program was my wake up call and gift from my Higher Power to get on the path to sobriety. I was suddenly able to strip myself of the anger of the situation and move on. If this was the way life was meant to be for me, best to move on and do the best I can....Step 3 - right there.
Thank you all for reading, I am averaging 800+ hits a month now!! Peace to everyone!
J
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